I've written five or six blog posts in the last week that I have had to delete before posting them because they were so pathetic. I've had the disposition of a disgruntled drag queen with gum in her best wig for days now, I know whats wrong with me but I don't know what to do about it. Im grumpy because I am stressed. Life is starting to throw things my way and change into a higher gear ready for the next phase. I have only ten weeks and four days until the end of my academic programme and after that I am going to be untimely ripped from my snowy retreat. I've been really lucky so far, my best friend has offered me a place to stay in London until I get on my feet, I have applied for two grants, my book is almost finished, Lewis is making a follow up film for 'My Transsexual Summer' and I may even have another television project in the works so its not like I'm going to be cast out into the snow to die but still... I like it here. I have built a nice (impoverished) life here with good friends, the peace and quiet leaves plenty of space for prayer and writing my books, I like the Jewish community here and I think I might be having a romance (of sorts).
The reality is I have to go where I can survive and I don't know how I can survive here without my scholarship so most likely I am going to have to say good bye to my Swedish home and head back to the bright lights. This makes me grumpy and sad. Not only because I have to leave this place that I have come to love but also because I have to leave the feeling of safety that I have here and go back to fending for myself.
I think perhaps I have gone a little soft! Sweden has spoilt me :D
Anyway I am going to ruin my last ten weeks if I don't stop worrying and having nightmares about becoming a modern day Oliver Twist wandering the streets of London in rags begging for some gruel. I endeavour to get more sleep and try and enjoy myself.
1 comment:
Ten weeks and you will be a bit more knowledgeable, and back in familiar places. And it must feel a bit up in the air, despite all the help.
I hope you feel better soon! The winter doom and gloom in Sweden sounds horrid. Seeing your gloom, I have to wonder if the nebido has worn off or is at the end? (That you mentioned a few months ago in the blog.) Asking as a friend of mine was glum towards the end of his months on it.
Post a Comment